HZ Jasmine Yellow Windowless Sandman, now being driven everywhere and is finished!
HZ Madeira Red Windowless sandman now Sold to Bigrob
HX Mandarin Red Sandman Ute finished, and club registered
1979 HZ malachite windowless van with 308 5spd, all chromed up and shiny finished and named "The Player"
Married to RodneyHZ253
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you Today?"
Son says "at school Dad" The robot slaps the son! "Ok i watched a Dvd at my Mates house"
"What Dvd" asks the Dad,"Toy story" Robot slaps the son again, "ok it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! when i was your age i didnt even know what porn was" says the Dad. Robot slaps the Dad
Mum laughs "haha he's certainly your son" Robot slaps the mum!!!!!!
--- Updated ---
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !"
Silence Followed!..................
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
One Aussie passenger yelled...
"For Fuck sake ........ You should see the back of mine !!!"
--- Updated ---
Billy was watching TV and comes downstairs and asks,"Dad whats love juice?"
His father looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex and why a womens (downstairs gear) gets wet.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, " so what were you watching?"
Billy replies"Wimbledon!!!!"
--- Updated ---
How do u make a squirrel scream?
Pinch his nuts
:shifty:
--- Updated ---
There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'
:shifty:
A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has a bad oil leak. When he gets there the mechanic tells him that he is very busy so could he leave the car there for an hour or so and he'll have a look at it for him.
The penguin goes for a walk down to the beach, has a look around the shops and gets a extra large vanilla ice cream cone. He heads back to the mechanics and finishes the icecream just as he gets there. Trouble is it's a hot day and a lot of it has melted and is all over his chin and down the front of his shirt. The mechanic comes out and says " Looks like you blew a seal." and the penguin, wiping his chin, says" nah, I just had an icecream.
There are two sides to every story.
WOMEN -
Two female friends are catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.
And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then
walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and
our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.....
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...
So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
And you?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.
The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these PG13-ing candles to avoid knocking everything down.
I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get it up, and another one to come.
In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....
“485650 HQ's cant be wrong...”
“You don’t drive a Kingswood, you make love to it. That’s why nuns only drive Toranas.” - Ted Bullpitt
The Italian Grandfather
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their guns down through the family?
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns...How about you leave me your Rolexwatch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man."
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "times-up."??
--- Updated ---
Hung Chow calls his work and says, "Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok!"
The boss says, "You know something,
Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon, by the way,
You got nice house..."
--- Updated ---
Major General Peter Cosgrove
was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Yeah I know....an oldie but a goodie
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with "tor" that eat things.
Little Trev says "Alligator" ,"very good thats a big word"
Then Little Jeff says "Predator","Yes thats another big word well done."
Little Johnny goes next and says "Vibrator miss"
After nearly falling off her chair the teacher says "thats a big word, but it doesn't eat anything"
Little johnny says "Well my mum says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"
THE STORK
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!
“485650 HQ's cant be wrong...”
“You don’t drive a Kingswood, you make love to it. That’s why nuns only drive Toranas.” - Ted Bullpitt
"Im baffled by your orange vagina" The doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned wonan said "No"
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?" asked the doctor
"I dont work" she said
"Well what do you do all day?" asked the doctor
"I watch porn and eat cheezels"
The misses is pissed off with me again!!
Last night while she was slepping I swapped her tampon with a party popper...... No sense of f@*king humor!!!
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