Joke of the Day

**Gaddy** · 13-10-2011, 08:20 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the **** Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words..............
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he didn't give a toss, he still went.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Some mongrel's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 8 pegs back.

**Alien DNA** · 13-10-2011, 10:00 PM

Lmao!! Some crackers in there Gaddy!

So sex between 3 people is called a 'threesome'...
Sex between 2 people is called a 'twosome'...
Now i know why you are called handsome

**HZ EVIE** · 15-10-2011, 11:55 AM

Wife & Hubby sit down to watch TV.
Hubby starts flicking between two channels..The Porn Channel & The Fishing Channel, Porn Channel & Fishing Channel, Fishing Channel & Porn Channel.......
Wife says to Hubby "For Christs sake, just watch the Porn Channel, you already know how to fish !!!!!"

**Alien DNA** · 19-10-2011, 07:30 PM

The girlfriend bought me a new watch for my birthday.

'Do you like it?' she asked

'Its great' I said. 'It will remind me of your vagina'

She laughed 'Is that because its exclusive and sexy?'

I replied 'Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist'

:shifty:

**Gaddy** · 22-10-2011, 10:59 AM

**Alien DNA** · 05-11-2011, 12:33 AM

My sexy neighbour confronted me today about the missing clothes from her clothesline!!
She said she was going to call the police...i nearly shit her pants!!!

**V6HQUTE** · 17-05-2012, 02:20 PM

flogged these of another forum, bloody funny

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and....
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ...
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.....
Still in shock.!!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!.
--- Updated ---

#2
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

**Gaddy** · 30-08-2012, 01:05 PM

Little Johnny heard the word "Brothel" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.
Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."
Johnny replied, "I wanna go there. I wanna go there!"
Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

On Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.
Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see a twelve-year-old standing there.

"Yes?" she asked.
"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.
Since Mable had a heart of gold, she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived well after his dad.
"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.
"I went to Mabel's Brothel, Daddy!"
Dad went pale.
"You did? Umm, how was it?"
Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I could only lick the third one!"

.

**JDT** · 30-08-2012, 06:06 PM

Little Johnny was 10 years old wondering around Kings Cross. A copper goes up to him and says "how old are you son?". Little Johnny says "I'm 10" The copper says "what is a 10 year old doing at the Cross?" Little Johnny says "I want the clap" The copper says "why would a 10 year old want the clap?" Johnny says it's easy. You see I'll come here and get the clap, I'll go home and give it to the brothers girl friend, She'll give it to Dad, Dad will give it to Mum and Mum will give it to the Butcher. That's the prick I want, He run over my bike.