Joke of the Day

[MHT862]

I got home from work the other day to a note on the fridge from the wife it read,

"Its not working im staying at mums for awhile"

I opened the door' beer was cold, buggered if I know what she on about.

[stormbringer]

Whats an Australian kiss
same as a French one
but downunder

[hqgts]

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my mate Abdul hanging out his 5th story apartment window shaking a carpet... I said hey abdul what, wont it start...

--- Updated ---

I went to an extremley good looking female doctors yesterday for my annual checkup..... She said i have to stop masturbating.... I asked why and she said because im trying to check your pulse

[Gaddy]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over lattes, the Greek guy says "well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies "we have the Coliseum". The Greek retorts "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics". The Italian, nodding agreement says "but we built the Roman Empire". And so on & so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!" The Italian replies "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".

--- Updated ---

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..


Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.



Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know..

--- Updated ---

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Hahahahahahahah!,!!!!!!

--- Updated ---

LOL got a mate called Dave who is a Doctor......


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

And felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

He tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

Reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
Patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

Would bring him back to reality.

Whispering.......

Dave..........

Dave ...............

Dave.........

Dave........

..........you're a f*cking vet.

--- Updated ---

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

I'm on fire.

--- Updated ---

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha haha!!!!!!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open..'

--- Updated ---

Young girl and her mother are talking.
Girls says " Mummy I know how babies are made"
Mum says " How is that darling"

"well you put Daddy's pee pee in your mouth and suck on it until stuff comes out and goes down to your stomach and it makes babies"

Mum replies " No darling, that's where jewellery comes from"

--- Updated ---

Whitney jokes, bad ones....



What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked on Valentines Day?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe

Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
It's called WiiHab

--- Updated ---

I was having a "discussion" with my sister and she steered the topic towards the pain of childbirth (As usual).

So I went down this route....

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it'd be nice to
have
another baby".

You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

--- Updated ---

Sorry [MENTION=119]ozbox[/MENTION] but this has to be shared.

Radio Quiz




Just rang the radio station to win a car,

all I had to do was answer a question.

"Name the race that stops the nation?"

Thats easy I said,

"Aborigines"

They hung up on me.

[Alien DNA]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
“As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.”What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I'm not sure; maybe she choked.”

[Alien DNA]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out
every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Gaddy]

Kinda didnt know where else to put this!!

so i chose here!! mods feel free to relocate if required

Annual Stella Awards

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased
coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for
the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the
kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for 2012:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for
Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house
because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when
Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case
of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's
insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are
more...

Double hand scratching after this one.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though
the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not
get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with
a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying
to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
$12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave
the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury
awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
motor home.
If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost
ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

[Alien DNA]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner that night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps him.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps him again.

So he says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom starts laughing and says, "Well he sure is your son!"

The robot slaps her!

[Gaddy]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre blue!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There, that should offend just about everybody.

[Gaddy]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Korky for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:




'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened Korky in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform my old cat Korky into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Korky the cat suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Korky and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Korky walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
.
.
.
.
.
.


'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'