An A to Z guide of Bogan behavior.


A. ADHD: While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it
is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan
junior, despite little Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in
the formal dining area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to
decide that it had a spurious gluten allergy, the bogan will loudly and
arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this
point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess
is their fault.

B. Buddhist home furnishings: No longer is the bogan confined to decorating
its home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby-holders. What better way
to announce one's entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a
Buddhism-themed figurine,
statue or water feature from the garden section of Kmart?

C. Celebrities: The bogan is of the opinion that years of work, skill and
sacrifice aren't really the key things behind success . .
. all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire
to be a celebrity.

D. Discount airlines: The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying
within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity
service at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a
small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service
desk. The bogans' flat nasal yowl reverberates across the departure lounge,
prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed
dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on
Sunday afternoons has come to be known as the ''bogan bus''.

E. Enormous prams: Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the
armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers
ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle
that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a
child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.

F. Franchises: The bogan has standards - standards that can only be met
when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in
other suburbs and towns too. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake,
franchises allow them to be as precisely unique as each other.

G. Going to work in the mines: While in a remote area of Western Australia,
the bogan will ply his modest skill set, earning in excess of $500 a day.
This financial windfall opens the glittering door to hyper-bogan
consumption. Within months, he is playing GTA on his new 125-inch full HD,
3D, LED TV, ripping doughnuts in his shiny Chevrolet ute and drinking
phenomenal amounts of locally-brewed Stella Artois.

H. Hot Asian Chicks: If the illegal fishing boats full of Afghani
immigrants that wash up on Ashmore Reef were full of hot Asian chicks . . .
hordes of bogans would be strapping long-range fuel tanks and floral
bouquets on to their jet-skis and trying to intercept the vessels
themselves.

I. Interest-free, no-deposit: Maintaining an appropriately fashionable
abode with massive TV screen and loud home-theatre system is an expensive
task. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers such as
Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market. So now,
Bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting free stuff. Sure, they had to
sign a few forms before being allowed to leave, but so what?

J. Joining the army (not): Perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking
about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than
talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in countries
and terrain that it is xtremely unaware of . . . once its back recovers.

K. Kids' names: Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a
genuinely one-of-a-kind name - or at least uncommon one - the bogan merely
takes a common one, then misspells it. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Breeyanah? A
Kayleb? These kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for
the next 80 years.

L. Literally: As in ''It was so hot yesterday, I was literally on fire'' or
''I literally died crossing the road this morning''.

M. McMansions: The average size of new homes in Australia grew by 40 per
cent between 1985 and 2003 as the bogan became aware that it ''deserved'' a
formal living area, a rumpus room, a parents' retreat, an en-suite, a
study, a formal lounge and a large void near the stairs. A home that, at
first glance, looked reminiscent of a celebrity home.

N. Number plates: Because the bogan has more personality than the rest of
us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its traits. One of
these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of
the bogan's car. The message usually refers to the car's ability to attain
speed, or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.

O. Overseas travel: Thailand is close enough for the bogan to leave its
nest at dawn, read the latest movie adapted to a novel, or watch Anchorman
and land in time to be slurping from a bucket by evening. Safely ensconced
in a Phuket tourist resort or
Australian-themed bar, the bogan can drink near-toxic amounts of cheap
beer, get bronzed, eat spring rolls, adorn itself with braids, tramp stamps
or tribal tattoos, and watch Anchorman again.

P. Patriotism: To the bogan, buying Aussie-made is the retail equivalent of
wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out totally maxtreme
true blue. In the tradition of co-opting symbols it doesn't fully
understand, the bogan tatt du jour is the
Southern Cross, or ''Aussie Swazie''. The bogan believes Australia has a
monopoly over a constellation that is visible from about 50 other countries
the bogan has never heard of.

Q. The Qur'an (or Koran): The bogan will tell people that the Qur'an binds
all Muslims to a thing called ''Shania's Law'' which compels them to spread
chaos and oppression throughout the globe. This, the bogan believes, has
all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife
and it is highly suspicious as it wants its virgins right away.

R. Reality TV: Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad but
they failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation and
glitz. And because it's bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.

S. Self-help books: Bogans love shortcuts, be they get-rich-quick schemes,
examining a limited number of habits of ''highly effective'' individuals,
or simply seeking an effortless strategy to living superbly. This makes the
bogan a prime culprit for the burgeoning self-help publishing industry and
intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus who model themselves on Anthony
Robbins.

T. Tans: Many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s but the message
of young melanoma victim Clare Oliver got through to many. The shift in
bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation of spray tans, creams and
lotions. These come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the
colour of ''ethnic'' people they do not like. This oddly contradictory
aspirational racism is rarely effective, though, with the bogan ending up a
blotchy shade of orange.

U. Underbelly: It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based
on some semblance of fact, it was on commercial TV and it was absolutely
loaded to the brim with heavily stylised semi-explicit s*x scenes and
exposed breasts. It was, in short, the televisual equivalent of bogan
heaven.

V. Vampires: The female bogan desires nothing so much as xtreme romance.
While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal
tatts and glass-induced facial scarring, her man is ''a real sweetie
underneath'', the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her
muscle-bound neolith can't live up to.

W. WAGS: There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan
than the footballer or cricketer: Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides
that becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly
pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the
femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination.
By the end of the night,
the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and
shame.

X. Xmas sales: The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately
snatching any item within a two-metre radius of a sign saying
''(up to) 70 per cent off''. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones,
tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps
outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious
discounts.

Y. Your favourite bar: Once content with glassings and gropings to a Top 40
remix soundtrack at high capacity beer barns, the bogan now has an inkling
that it is missing out on something. The bogan will learn of the
non-bogan's favourite bar when the trashmedia report that an actor from
Underbelly went there once.

Z. Zoo Weekly: Having initially conceded to his girlfriend's refusal to
have the magazine in the house, the bogan was sent to the
7-Eleven to purchase a Diet Coke. At the fridge, the male bogan spied the
promotional placard: ''500ml can of Mother and copy of Zoo
Weekly for only $6.'' His relationship was doomed.