A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you Today?"

Son says "at school Dad" The robot slaps the son! "Ok i watched a Dvd at my Mates house"

"What Dvd" asks the Dad,"Toy story" Robot slaps the son again, "ok it was a porno" cries the son.

"What! when i was your age i didnt even know what porn was" says the Dad. Robot slaps the Dad

Mum laughs "haha he's certainly your son" Robot slaps the mum!!!!!!



--- Updated ---

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !"



Silence Followed!..................

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Aussie passenger yelled...



"For Fuck sake ........ You should see the back of mine !!!"



--- Updated ---

Billy was watching TV and comes downstairs and asks,"Dad whats love juice?"

His father looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex and why a womens (downstairs gear) gets wet.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, " so what were you watching?"

Billy replies"Wimbledon!!!!"



--- Updated ---

How do u make a squirrel scream?

Pinch his nuts


:shifty:

--- Updated ---

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'

:shifty: