>
> The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
>
> Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
> slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
>
> 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
>
> When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
> her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
>
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
>
> A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
>
> But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
> rescue and stuck her in the butt.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
>
> And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
> had her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
> 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
.................................................. .................................................. ....................
My Dog
Went down to the Centrelink Office this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
This is a great country.
.................................................. ..................
Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.
When my small grandson got lost at the mall,
He approached a uniformed security guard and
said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
.................................................. .......................................
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
.................................................. .................................................. ......................
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for
me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the
man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
.................................................. .................................................. .......
Fluck
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging
her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....
'fluctuations'.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'
.................................................. .................................................. ......
REMEMBER WHEN:
All the girls had ugly gym slips
It took five minutes for the TV to warm up
Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school
Nobody owned a purebred dog
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny
Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces
All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels
You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents
They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school year. . . And they did!
When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?
Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game
Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger
And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating and visits to the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?
How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Coca Cola in bottles.
Blackjacks and bubble gums.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops
Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.
78 RPM records!
Adding Machines.
Scalextric.
Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'chickenpox'?
Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a slingshot ?
War was a card game?
Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!
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