Fantastic Awesome Joke Thread

[ozbox]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise




I, the
Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response





Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task ..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,


V. Gina

[Absinth]

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese
customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese
man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit'

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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BREAKING NEWS!!


To save the economy in 2010/11,


The Rudd government will start


Deporting all of the weird old people


In order to lower Old Age Pension and Medical costs.


I started crying - when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!

[ozbox]

BREAKING NEWS!!


To save the economy in 2010/11,


The Rudd government will start


Deporting all of the weird old people


In order to lower Old Age Pension and Medical costs.


I started crying - when I thought of you.





RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!

it will be ok sean....as long as i can take my van with me...:weights::weights: